are you as smart as me? alaska, part 4.
Thursday, July 7, 2011 at 11:10PM I've devised a quiz that will help you answer this very question.
Circle the correct answer. (Oh man, I think I just hyperventilated a little. I have not written a test in so long! Can we have a multi-paragraph essay at the end? Can we? Please?)
1. When kayaking on the ocean, it is a good idea to wear denim jeans.
True False
2. When kayaking on the ocean, it's best to yell "HEEEEEEEEEEEEERE, FISHY FISHY FISHY FISHY!" every 20-30 seconds to encourage wildlife to approach you for photographic purposes.
True False
3. When approaching wildlife for photographic purposes, it is best to kayak to an island, use your bare fingers to grasp the rock slime, and turn your kayak parallel into the wake of oncoming large watercraft.
True False
4. When the wake of a large watercraft causes you to lose your grip on the island rock slime you're utilizing to stabilize yourself, it is best to:
a. Fire your camera shutter wildly in an effort to stabilize your kayak
b. Yell, "HOLD ON A SECOND, YOU STUPID OCEAN WATER" as you throw your arms towards the slimy rocks in an effort to stabilize your kayak
c. Offer to throw your camera overboard in an effort to stabilize your kayak and appease King Triton, who is fathoms below
d. Put your head on your knees and practice deep cleansing breaths -- inforseven-andoutforten-inforseven-andoutforten in an effort to stabilize your kayak
5. Should 16,000 seagulls fly overhead, it is best to:
a. Raise your arms as high as they will go and point your camera at the moving seagulls' feet
b. Imitate the seagulls by flapping your arms and making a loud, squeaky sound
c. Stand up in your kayak to get closer to their beaks
d. Paddle as quickly as possible in the direction of the seagulls to see what all the commotion is about
Let's see how you did!
1. When kayaking in the ocean, it is a good idea to wear denim jeans.
The correct answer is false. In a kayak, on the ocean, in an active fishing channel, near wildlife, with dripping paddles, every seat in the house is in the splash zone. Not only will your jeans help you to drown more quickly should you fall in the drink, they will also need to be surgically removed in a grocery store bathroom when you're done paddling.
Then you'll have nothing to wear except an ill-fitting garment someone loaned you because they're a nice person and you're too polite to say, "Hey, thanks, but your shorts look bad on me. Because I'm nine inches taller than you. And I'm not a size 4."
2. When kayaking on the ocean, it's best to yell "HEEEEEEEEEEEEERE, FISHY FISHY FISHY FISHY!" every 20-30 seconds to encourage wildlife to approach you for photographic purposes.
I tried it.
The results speak for themselves.
False.
3. When approaching wildlife for photographic purposes, it is best to kayak to an island, use your bare fingers to grasp the rock slime, and turn your kayak parallel into the wake of oncoming large watercraft.
Hello? Everyone knows you're supposed to grasp the rock slime with rubber GLOVES. Hello? False.
4. When the wake of a large watercraft causes you to lose your grip on the island rock slime you're utilizing to stabilize yourself, it is best to:
a. Fire your camera shutter wildly in an effort to stabilize your kayak
b. Yell, "HOLD ON A SECOND, YOU STUPID OCEAN WATER" as you throw your arms towards the slimy rocks in an effort to stabilize your kayak
c. Offer to throw your camera overboard in an effort to stabilize your kayak and appease King Triton, who is fathoms below
d. Put your head on your knees and practice deep cleansing breaths -- inforseven-andoutforten-inforseven-andoutforten in an effort to stabilize your kayak
I tried a. This is what a looks like.
I tried option b, c, and d. Those didn't work, either.
So the answer is I don't know. I watched helplessly as the wake and current carried me quickly away from the rock slime.
(Is it just me, or does that starfish look like Rose at the end of Titanic? You can hear her hoarse whispers: come back! come back!)
5. Should 16,000 seagulls fly overhead, it is best to:
a. Raise your arms as high as they will go and point your camera at the moving seagulls' feet
b. Imitate the seagulls by flapping your arms and making a loud, squeaky sound
c. Stand up in your kayak to get closer to their beaks
d. Paddle as quickly as possible in the direction of the seagulls to see what all the commotion is about
The correct answer is D. The commotion was about fish. Imagine that. This doesn't look like 16,000 seagulls, but it is. I know because I counted.
How'd you do? Are you as smart as me?
I hope not.
I also have to make good on my promise. More pictures of the awe-inspiring Alaskan wilderness.
This trail looks relatively well maintained at its mouth.
But then it gets all tricksy. You have to ask yourself periodically, "Am I...? Is this...? Are we...? Where's the trail?"
I call this Old Man Beard moss. Because I am really, really smart.
And this is Dr. Seuss moss.
The trail soon traverses a bog. The kind with foot-sucking mud, mosquitoes the size of ping-pong balls, and diminutive wildflowers peppered liberally.
Funny story. On Monday, I hiked this trail.
A glacial river, complete with Amazon-style waterfalls pouring off the cliffs.
(Tell me this does not look like a movie set. The color of the water, the shape of the trees, the swags of Old Man Beard moss and Dr. Seuss moss.)
(And, oh, are those wild salmon in the icy water?)
Word UP, Alaska.
By Saturday, I was here:
220,000 square feet of food marvelosity. I had a small seizure of happiness when I entered this new Whole Foods Market in the Washington, DC suburb of North Bethesda.
Everywhere, everywhere were these signs:
Full circle, dudes. From ocean to table in a few days and 4,000 miles.
So, while I was inside this little piece of paradise, I was stopped by a police officer.
"Excuse me, ma'am?" he said.
What did I do? Why are you stopping me? What did I do? Who hit my car? What did I do? I thought.
"You were my government teacher. I'm a police officer now, and I sure learned a lot in your class. I probably slept too much, though. Do you remember me?"
I looked at his name badge. His face looked familiar. "You once called my mom because I wasn't turning in my homework. She came to see you the next day?"
Then it came back: this boy, this police officer? didn't do his homework, tried to sleep all the time, and while nice enough, didn't contribute much. I called his mother. His mother showed up unannounced for third period the next day and said, "My son needs to learn what happens when he does not do his homework. Can I sit here?" She positioned herself at a counter at the edge of the room, waiting for the students to arrive for class.
When this boy walked in the door and saw his mother sitting in the classroom, her eyes shooting daggers, the red did not slowly creep into his cheeks.
Oh, no. His face was a tomato sweating in the sun. I must admit I was secretly -- just a teeny bit -- amused.
His mother sat there quietly but alertly, taking notes for forty minutes. When I assigned homework, she raised her hand and said loudly, "SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING, MS. McMAHON, IS THAT MY SON SHOULD COME HOME FROM SCHOOL TODAY AND WRITE THIS ESSAY ON FEDERALISM? HE SHOULD DO A GOOD JOB ON THE ESSAY, RIGHT? AND HE SHOULD BRING IT BACK FOR YOU TOMORROW, NEATLY TYPED?"
"The essay is due on Friday, but yes, he should go home from school -- you should all go home from school -- and work on it."
"SO JUST SO MY SON OVER THERE, PATRICK, UNDERSTANDS THE ASSIGNMENT, MS. McMAHON, HE SHOULD WRITE THIS ESSAY AND BRING IT BACK FOR YOU TOMORROW? IS THAT CORRECT?"
"Tomorrow will be fine," I said.
"AND IF HE DOESN'T DO THE ASSIGNMENT, I WANT PATRICK OVER THERE, THAT BOY IN THE BLUE HOODIE, SITTING NEXT TO THAT TALL BOY OVER THERE, I WANT PATRICK TO KNOW THAT HIS CELL PHONE WILL BE MINE FOR ALL ETERNITY. RIGHT PATRICK?"
Ah, mama bears. Gotta love 'em.
The police officer (fortunately, he was off duty and doing some grocery shopping) and I had a little catch up session, and I asked him if he sees a lot of his former teachers around. "Not so much. But I saw you and thought it was you, and then I looked at your shoes, and I knew it was you. You always wore fancy shoes."
He knew it was me by the shoes.
THE SHOES.
He's my new favorite police officer.
I have one more post about Alaska in the works -- and I'm saving the best for last, promise.
Reader Comments (19)
I am a professional fisheries biologist, and you should know that I have yelled "here fishy fishy FISHY" since childhood, and still do. You are awesome. The pictures are absolutely stunning. Awe-inspiring! The police officer story almost made me cry. And he knew you by the SHOES? Love him.
Wow, I really appreciate and enjoy your sharing of the incredible Alaskan photos. Thanks so much. I will have my daughter (a high school math teacher) read & enjoy your student story. I am amazed by how supportive many of the parents are and wish more people were aware of how teachers reach out to parents and what the outcome can be.
i wanna see the SHOES!
So funny! My husband is a science teacher and he got a big kick out of your story. Thanks for sharing the Alaska pictures -- I lived the Yukon for 2 years and I miss that beautiful place!!!!!!!
Wait! Where are the shoes? We want to see the shoes, too!
Shoes Show Us the Shoes!!! They were caribe blue weren't they!!?
Your photos are lovely...I know how difficult it can be to keep body and camera dry on a kayak in the misty clime. I've really enjoyed you trip.
Wow! A teacher who cared about her students, who called home when they didn't do work - I think those are extinct - can you teach my son?
You have to adore a man who can recognize you, years later, by your fabulous taste in "fancy shoes"... and now, I must ask - what shoes were you wearing?
In a horrible twist of fate, I came home this afternoon to find that the shoes in question had been chewed by a certain horsedog and then placed back in my closet. She had to go into the closet to get them, a door I always keep closed to keep her out. Boo.
These were my favorites. And I didn't actually own them when I was teaching Patrick (not his real name). He must have remembered that I liked shoes with tchotchkes on the toe.
Here they are. Sadly, I can't find them in my size anymore.
http://www.amazon.com/Butter-TREAT-Womens-Treat-Pump/dp/B0027IQXJA
it's like a different world--amazing photos. again!
As a teacher I am SERIOUSLY loving that parent!
Great story!! All of them. I passed the test. I had to pass it because I had an anxiety dream about bluebooks the other night - so I was stressed into passing it.
I am loving these Alaska posts, and have added Alaska to my bucket list. Your pics are phenomenal.
Also love that your police officer knew you by your shoes, and I just <3 his mom so hard! I now know what to do should my children ever become slacking teens in school. ;)
You have my deepest sympathies on the tragic loss of those fabulous shoes. I have a chewing horsedog myself, so I can relate. (Anything that doesn't bite back is fair game. But they have a nose for our favorite things, I swear.) But those shoes were so YOU, honestly, turquoise and brown suede, fantastic shoes. I hope you can find them somewhere.
Beautiful photos! It sounds like an amazing trip to Alaska! I have heard alot about it, since my brother was stationed in Alaska when he was in the Army. I also love the story about the young policeman. =D I should have tried the mama bear approach with my oldest son. I am keeping that one in mind for the other 3 boys...lol =D
Ah, a mother that actually did what I spent many years dreaming of doing! I love it!
Great photos and story as well. Can't wait to read the next Alaskan tale.
What a brilliant post - I'm so envious of your trip to Alaska - and even sea kayaking - (swoon with envy!!) - no seriously - it looks fabulous and I loved the photos! I also loved the policeman story - what a cool mother! I have saved her idea for future reference!!! Also how fab to be remembered because a teenage boy thought you wore cool shoes - how awesome is that? Go girl!!
i've hiked that same trail! twice. with a one year old strapped to my back. god, i miss alaska! after you've lived there, no place can ever compare again.
You made me VERY homesick for Alaska with you awesome photography!!! Sniffle. =)