17 things i do not want to knit
Thursday, December 1, 2011 at 6:29PM The list of things I do want to knit is long, too long. I have now achieved QBLE status, or Queue Beyond Life Expectancy.
(QBLE is pronounced CUEble, by the way.)
(It's my acronym, and I'll QBLE if I want to.)
Sometimes QBLE can be overwhelming. I've tried the head-buried-in-sand approach. I've tried the slow-and-steady-wins-the-race tactic. I've even tried the tiring quick-like-a-bunny strategy. And I still have a QBLE.
So I've cooked up a new scheme. It calls for a shift of focus, from my QBLE to Things I Do Not Want to Knit.
Before we discuss them, let me preface this list with the following disclaimer.
The fact that I do not want to knit these items is not a reflection of the inherent talent or skill of the knitter. It does not mean that the person who did knit these is not a good person or that I do not like them. I am not making fun of the knitters who, in some cases, devoted many hours to devising a pattern and knitting the item.
I am merely stating my preference. That is all. It is not a value judgment of their humanity.
If you find that you DO want to knit these items, please be my guest. I hope you will enjoy doing it. Send me a picture when you're done. Amen.
1. I do not want to knit a pig surgical mask.
2. I do not want to knit a hooded, turtleneck, knee-length, fringed cape with matching pants.
3. I do not want to knit the characters from Angry Birds. In general, I do not want to knit angry things. Or things from a game from my phone.
4. I do not want to knit a Viking hat and beard. Especially because I live in Minnesota.
5. I do not want to knit a digestive system. Or a circulatory system, or a weather system. I have other things to knit besides systems.
6. I do not want to knit an alien purse.
7. I do not want to knit an eyeball doorknob cover. Keys in the eye are bad.
8. I do not want to knit a slouchy pumpkin -- or in this case, pampkin -- hat.
9. I do not want to knit a ski mask? Face protector? (What would you call this?) Regardless, not so much, no.
10. I do not want to knit this.
11. Or this.
12. I do not want to knit an "asimetrical" shrug-scarf such as this one. I just don't wear much in the "couture style," I'm sorry.
13. I don't really need any glingers.
14. Nor a fuzzy mohair light saber.
15. Turkey belongs in my belly. Not on my head.
16. I do not want to knit myself a ball and chain. I'm carrying around enough extra weight as it is.
17. And while I know how much work probably went into this Sponge Bob Square Pants hat, I really prefer head coverings that don't obstruct my eyes and nose. Or my brain.
Have you seen any other Things I Do Not Want to Knit? I can add it to my list when I need a break from my QBLE. And maybe I'll find an additional 17 Things I Do Not Want to Knit. Which can only make my QBLE smaller, right? Right.
Reader Comments (23)
Ummmm. . .wow. And to think, I was going to submit a few similar designs for the recent "call for designs" . . .I guess I need to rethink that plan. I'm sure that maybe if they used your lovely yarn you might find them to be rather pleasing to knit. . .um. Right. Ha! Thanks for the chuckle. . .
especially since those two "for sale" items are crocheted and not knitted!
I am with you on all of those!!! I don't want to knit them either
I do not want to knit an elephant trunk male genitalia cover. Or a giraffe one. Or any sort of genitalia cover. I especially don't want to knit one and post a very very sad picture of it on ravelry for a bunch of anonymous strangers to see (and not-so-secretly mock).
Hilarious! Some of those you just have to say, "what the?!?" to! Funny!!
The "Snow Fooling" had me laughing so hard I was crying! I showed the post to my husband and he requested an orange knitted bodysuit. "It would be good to wear to OSU football games (um, when have we gone to a football game. ever.) and you can just knit it in bulky yarn so it'll go faster." Sure, honey...I'll get right on that for your 6 foot tall frame. No prob. It'll be done tomorrow. ;)
I never knew knitting could look so sinister! Hahaha! This made my day, whatever were they thinking. My favourite is pic #2.
Snow Fooling - freaky as you like! I can think of some london clubs where they would probably go down at treat......
The facemasks one was kinda scary -- the white one looks like a Klan hood.
Can I just say, I think items like some of those (particularly the last few), are what gives knitters a bad name? :P
Oh WOW! Some of that stuff is really creepy, and others are just downright wrong. And the prices on some of that stuff...seriously? Do people really buy that stuff? I enjoyed this post a lot, thanks for that!
some of these actually made me laugh...the orange full body suit? wow haha
Omg! This is soooo funny!! 2 of these are actually for sale??? And it looks like the ski masks are from a book; wouldn't you have loved to be THAT publisher! Wow! I guess I'll never be one for "high fashion" (read: ridiculous things people who think they can knit, think will be the new knitwear rage!) Some people really do think they can do anything -- Not!! I'll be on the look-out for more "So You Think You Can Knit" crap. Thanks for the belly laugh today!
Those things are hilarious! Rest assured, dear Yarnista, that your lovely yarn in my stash will never be turned into some scary facemask!
I was totally with you until the mohair light saber. I'm adding that to my QBLE.
About number nine: Meg, Meg, Meg, what were you thinking? And what would your mother say?
I thought the knitted Swiffer cover was bad, but these are priceless.
To defend the pig surgical mask, that one did come out during the swine flu hysteria...I found it quite amusing :)
I loved this!! Just WHAT IS # 10, I get the leggings, skirt? and sweater but WHAT is that thing on her head?? My daughter was literally ROLLING in the floor laughing! However, she actually wants to knit #4 and #7, as gag gifts. Do you know where we could find the patterns?
Thanks for the laugh,
Patty
Hilarious! I can't understand why the "Snow fooling" gang are grouped around a pie. How could you even eat in one of those things?
Hmmmm......I wonder what my nursing students would think of the knitted digestive tract...at least it wasn't a male reproductive system! As for the Angry Birds, my granddaughter would love those!
I know people who have knitted man-part covers, but thankfully they never posted pix!
These are great!